get what you need

As a kid I thought my father’s wisdom came from three places: National Geographic, since he often referred to their articles at the dinner table; “the office,” that mythical place he went off to each day; and, most importantly, song lyrics. When we asked him a question, he would often sing his responses to us. He sang with this look in his eye like he knew he was telling us something we wouldn’t quite understand until we looked back on it as a memory. You better start swimming or you’ll sink like a stone…as he palmed my belly and showed me how to do a strong kick in the pool. The dangerous kitchen, in the middle of the night when you get home…as he weeded through the fridge for leftovers to feed us for dinner. And his favorite, You can’t always get what you want…He’d interrupt our pleas with that song more times than I can recall. I remember fighting it off; trying to interrupt him with a frustrated “Dad! Dad! Come on…Dad!” I knew the lyrics well, and I didn’t want to hear what I knew was coming. But, he wouldn’t stop. He’d tip his head back and sing the song until he howled the crucial line: If you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need!

That song comes back to me every once and a while. My father’s parenting continues through the lyrics as I learn those childhood lessons again. I had fantastic parents, but sometimes I’m surprised that I’m still trying to learn the four-year-old basics. As many times as I’ve been through disappointments and unhappiness, my instinct is often to whine and fight. But it’s not fair, I want to yell. We’ve all been told that life’s not fair, and we know it must be true. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I still get mad when things don’t go my way—the right way. But I eat healthy and exercise, but I worked so hard on that project, but I’m so qualified, but I tried so hard and I wanted it so badly…I furrow my brows looking at the empty space where the gold star should be. Karma feels broken and my instinct is to rebel.

As I get older, the evidence against “fairness” is mounting—friends have died in tragic accidents, cancer inflicts healthy people, friendships are betrayed, benevolent deeds go unnoticed. As much as I’ve wanted the world to repay me my honest efforts and good intentions, I recognize it’s beyond my control. For me, that’s the really hard-to-swallow part. And maybe what my dad was trying to teach me all those years ago was in those moments—when you’ve done everything right and still things turned out wrong—the only thing to do is see the song though. Tip back your head and howl…if you try sometimes, you might find…