401k and foreplay

"I just want a guy who has a normal job--not delivering pizzas and playing in a band. He should have normal sheets, top and bottom, without cartoon superheroes. A guy who can keep it in his pants on a first date, like a gentleman. Is that too much to ask?"

I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist of my conversation with a smack-dab in her mid-twenties girlfriend of mine. She's great. We're both struggling to comprehend relationships and our talks usually take on a tone of dumbfoundedness. Nevermind graduating with honors from competitive universities and working demanding jobs, we feel clueless about this stuff. If only we could treat it like Algebra, Geometry, or Calculus--solve for x, find the axiom, and apply it to every problem we encounter. We're pissed off by relationship relativity.

Last night we were talking about qualifications--the list of what's expected in a mate. And, more important than that, what you should expect to let slide in order to have a relationship. Compromise seems frighteningly close to settling sometimes. As we walked, our lists swelled with details and then got juiced down to its essence again, as if knowing both versions might help us really discern where the line was. "Ultimately I'm looking for a 401k and foreplay," one of us said. "One shows he can take care himself, the other shows he can take care of you. Is that too much to ask?" But there it is again--perhaps that's the problem, right there. We're perpetually afraid we're asking for too much. I few weeks ago I wrote a list. At age 28, it was the first time I put what I was looking for on paper, but I didn't post it because it seemed silly, or maybe I was afraid I'd have to take it seriously and make all the potential suitors in my life measure up. Maybe something has changed in me since then. Maybe I have a little more confidence, enough to raise the bar and post "the list." Here goes:

-he will be kind and loving, like wrapping his arms around me when I’m washing the dishes and rubbing my feet after a long day
-he will be passionate, knowing that the right music and the right words make sex even more amazing than the right moves
-he will be strong. he can lift things that I can’t and will carry the heavier backpack on our trips.
-he will be artistic, or at least an art appreciator
-he will be excited to teach me things like how to caulk old cracks in my home or how to say “I’d like a coffee/whiskey/motorcycle” in French.
-he will be eager to surprise me in little ways and know that flowers are never cliche
-he will be smart. he can hold a conversation on many different subjects without falling back on rehearsed rhetoric and say things in a way I haven’t heard before. he contributes something new to my mind when we talk.
-he will be good with money and financially secure
-he will be sweet with children and dogs
-he can fix things, like the broken derailer on my bike or the doorknob that has fallen off so many times I’ve decided to ignore it.
-he reads. even better if he does it in bed with me before we go to sleep.
-he will hold me in the morning and we will spend time awake talking about the day ahead or the night before and just enjoy the bed-moments in between.
-he will want to do things--relaxing would be a hike with the dog or bike ride, not sitting in front of television.
-he will be able to tell me how he feels about me without limits or hesitations
-he will have at least as strong a sex drive as I do.
-he will help me slow down when I need to but not make me feel badly about my manic side
-he will have a sense of humor that doesn’t depend solely on scarcasm
-he will have a loving family and want to bring the best of their qualities into his own family
-he will have an appetite for good food
-he will encourage me in my career and other ambitions
-he will want to travel and he will plan spontaneous journies for us to explore new places, even if they’re just an hour away
-he will not be bothered by my divorce but won’t avoid the topic, either
-he will feel like I make his life richer instead of feeling limited by being in a relationship
-he will be attractive and fit. he can keep up with me on a long run and look great next to me when we go out.
-he will be interested in contemporary politics but in positive, pro-active ways
-he will enjoy spending time with my family and I will feel comfortable with his, too.
-he will be polite and comfortable in social situations
-he will be dependable--show up on time, follow through with commitments, be there when I need him
-he will be committed to our relationship
-he will think I’m beautiful, intellegent and fun
-he will be ambtious and have a plan for his future. he will want me to be a part of it.
-he will love nature and enjoy doing things outdoors without having to be “extreme” about it
-he will be a “boy” at the core and like it that I am a “girl”
-he will bake me a cake for my birthday
-he will be honest but still senstive
-he won’t use it against me when I fall for him completely